I’ve noticed that some of my friends are listing their top five things to have in a zombie apocalypse on Facebook. As an author and gun nut, I am well suited to help the world prepare for this imminent threat. So instead of adding another Facebook application, I’m going to take a nerd break and discuss my top five right here.

I am assuming that a) heavy military equipment is being monopolized by governments unresponsive to the needs of my character, b) otherwise cost and current availability of items is not a factor, c) I am wearing sturdy shoes and cargo pants and carrying a multitool or knife like I usually am, and d) unlike the characters of every zombie movie I’ve seen, I actually know what a zombie is and how to kill it.

1. HK416 with 14.5” barrel, tactical sling, and ACOG scope. Obviously there would be extra loaded magazines also. Zombies require either destruction of the brain or dismemberment to be stopped. A weapon with enough power to dismember the zombie will probably be heavy, slower to deploy against multiple threats, and difficult to carry lots of ammo for. A 5.56mm round has plenty of power to destroy a brain, but it does not cause much recoil and you can carry a lot of extra ammo. (Note that breaking the pelvis with a bullet will cause a human body to fall, but a being without fear or pain will likely drag itself toward you if you try this.) The 416 is ergonomic and many parts are interchangeable with the common AR-15 series. It also has the more reliable gas piston operating system. I don’t want to worry about cleaning my weapons when there are undead afoot, and the AR-15’s system of blowing hot gas and residue straight into the bolt to cycle it is a bad idea in general. The 14.5” barrel is plenty accurate for headshots at 100 yards and better in close quarters than a longer barrel would be.

2. Jeep Cherokee with run-flat tires, a serious brush guard, automatic transmission, and straight six engine. Bulletproof windows and auxiliary fuel tanks would be nice too, but let’s be realistic. Mobility will likely be important in the zombie-infested future. Some would say that a bigger vehicle is inherently better for such a scenario. I’m not a car expert, but a midsize SUV would be more versatile and better able to navigate the obstacles that will litter any post-apocalyptic (or apocalypse-contemporary) road. The driving distance provided by one tank of fuel would definitely be something to look into, and a faster vehicle might be helpful in evading the motorcycle gangs or warpunx that may want to steal my supplyz and womynz. But for now I’ll go with what I know and hope there is a tactical-minded gearhead in my party.

3. MREs and water rations. This is totally one thing put together, and something many people don’t think about. You can’t mow down the horde of undead when you can’t steady a rifle or focus your eyes. There won’t be much time to rest either. A lot of water and nutritious food will help keep you going through it all. I’m sure there is better tasting dehydrated food, but MREs are pretty handy and don’t require a stove to heat.

4. Armor. This is something people don’t seem to think about in the zombie movies I’ve seen. How much plastic can a zombie bite through? Probably not very much. I wouldn’t go for a full suit, since that would limit mobility and make it harder to carry my gear, but knee and shin guards, forearm protection, safety glasses, sturdy gloves, a light armor vest, and possibly shoulder pads could be helpful.

5. Springfield XD9 Tactical with holster and spare loaded magazines. 9mm is just as effective as .45 on zombies, but the smaller 9mm allows for faster shooting and more rounds to be carried. I would of course fill the mags with quality hollowpoints in case those pesky post-apocalyptic badguys were out in force. I personally like the XD design a lot and have experience with it, but there are many other quality pistols out there.

There are other good items for zombie preparedness.

First of all is a plan. To hell with hanging out at the mall – I want to drag my party on a hopeless quest to save humanity. We’re going to have to navigate treacherous highways to get to some kind of research facility where photogenic scientists can find a cure for zombitis that doesn’t involve a bullet to the head.

Plenty of other stuff would be helpful. Hand grenades and RPGs seem like a simple way to destroy out lots of undead persons. A Camelbak pack would be a good way to carry extra water and gear. Claymore-style mines would help fortify your stronghold and alert you to intruders (it might be a good idea to mark them in a way that will warn non-undead humans of their presence). Extra fuel would be good for your retreat vehicle, and handy when you need to set things on fire. Of course the camping kit with firestarters, food, clothes, raingear, rope, bags, compass, utensils, and flashlight would be handy. Also maps.

For an anti-zombie impact weapon, I’m going to have to go with a combat tomahawk with a hammer end. I know that the chainsaw is the archetypical horror film weapon, but using one of those is going to get zombie blood all over the place, and I don’t think that would be a good idea. Chainsaws are also heavy and can be slow to start up.

Of course, women are going to be a necessary part of any zombie scenario. I hope the ones in my party are the angry/empowered type, because I really don’t want to spend the whole movie saving some chick who won’t crush a skull with a hammer. What would be great to have on my team would be a former soldier who knows how to use heavy weaponry we might come across, a mechanic, a psychic whose uptight brother is a doctor, and a sex worker to complete the package.

This entry was posted on Friday, April 24th, 2009 at 1:50 am and is filed under entertainment. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.