Bush to Putin: Bring it On
WASHINGTON, DC – Early this morning the Bush administration announced a new plan to resolve the South Ossetia crisis. The president proposed that the matter be decided in a fistfight between himself and Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin.
In an announcement that startled the world, President George W. Bush announced “Vlad the Terrible here thinks he can tell my boy Saakashvili what to do with his troops in his own country. I’m telling you right now: I’m not going to let that happen.”
Bush predicted the outcome would be “like the fall of the Berlin wall” with the exception that “It will be my fists knocking down Vladimir’s face.”
Former KGB agent Putin eagerly accepted the challenge and was quick to claim that he would be the winner of this fight.
“I have split logs with this man, President Bush,” the Prime Minister stated, “and he swings axe like little girl. I can so take him.”
The response did not appear to frighten Bush, who was confident of victory “unless Putin can multiply like them crazy Russian dolls.”
US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said Bush’s proposal has precedents in international law, and presents an opportunity that the President will be “very successful” with.
“Erich Maria Remarque proposed a similar method of conflict resolution in 1929,” Rice stated. “President Bush has been physically training for years in the event that a worthy opponent presented himself. We are now faced with a unique opportunity to use all the President’s diplomatic skills to shape the world properly.”
US presidential hopefuls expressed differing views on the proposal. Republican John McCain applauded the President’s move, adding “Dubya knows I got his back. I may be old, but I can swing these mitts.” Democrat Barack Obama initially labeled the proposal “childish.” After receiving criticism for his apparent lack of manliness, he issued a statement saying, “We are beyond the stage when one leader can simply challenge another to determine the fate of nations. I support a measure involving a coalition of at least five European statesmen to hold down Putin while the President pounds him into borscht. That’s a beating we can believe in.”
The two men are expected to meet at an unspecified swingset in Germany to “duke it out.” A proposal by British Prime Minister Gordon Brown to resolve the situation using a cabor toss contest was quickly rejected by the Whitehouse as “not badass enough.”
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