Six Movies That Suck
A lot of films referred to as “bad movies” are actually a lot of fun. Surf Nazis Must Die is a prime example of shitty entertainment. But what I’m talking about in this post are movies that really were a waste of my time.
Tremors 3
Yeah, the first two Tremors movies were kinda dumb, but they were entertaining. In the first, giant worms eat people, animals, and cars. In the second, the worms give birth to smaller, faster, land-roving monsters. In the third, the monsters can propel themselves through the air by igniting gas from their rectums, giving them the name “ass blasters.” I’m not kidding. Even Burt Gummer, the recurring survivalist character, couldn’t save this one. They seem to have made a fourth Tremors movie. I’m not rushing to see it.
The Passion of the Christ
I almost forgot about this one, but it was the first to come to mind when I needed a sixth movie to make the title alliterative. It basically shows Jesus getting tortured with a few flashbacks thrown in. The Passion is as ridiculous as Christianity and will hopefully go away much sooner.
Cube
A bunch of strangers find themselves inside a giant complex of nearly identical cubes with no idea how they got there. As the plot unfolds, the flaws of the characters are revealed and are probably supposed to signify something more than the writers’ personal problems. It is suggested that in some way we may all be responsible for the cube. I can only hope that I am not partially to blame for movies this shitty.
Saw
It made a lot of money, spawned sequels, and was crap. If you like to see people suffer for any reason other than being the bad guy in the movie, you might like this one. It also helps if you like twists that are only twists because they are totally illogical, or believe a medical doctor wouldn’t be able to tell that a guy laying a few feet from him for hours isn’t dead.
The Patriot
I’m not talking about the historically playful and overdramatic Mel Gibson shoot-em-up. That was actually pretty cool. Thankfully forgotten is a Stephen Segal movie of the same name that came out two years earlier. A stereotypical militia leader (fat, white, hairy, ignorant, and murderous) unleashes a virus in some town, which Segal’s character finds out can be cured by a certain flower petal. The best way they think to distribute the cure to the population turns out to be dropping loose flower petals onto the town from aircraft.
Hero
Jet Li normally kicks ass in movies, but in this one he listens to the king he is supposed to kill praise himself, then walks outside to be executed. I didn’t know a movie could make me so angry. Maybe I should just accept that it’s heroic to believe kings who say they kill and rule so other people can live peacefully (i.e. almost all of them). Maybe someone can make a movie about Stalin with this theme. He did have such a photogenic mustache.
